Today was a rough day. I took my mom to a couple of doctor's appointments today. One to check on her arm from when she broke it a while back. Two to see the neurologist, and three to take a driving evaluation test. One good doctor's visit out of three ain't bad, right? Unfortunately for my mom it was. At the neurologist, they gave a simple test to which she didn't do too hot. Then at the driving evaluation test, she did even worse. It's so hard to see her struggling with her memory so much. It's gotten a lot worse in the past year. She didn't pass her driving test which really is an answer to prayer because we didn't want her to be driving and get hurt or much worse to hurt someone else. Michael (my brother) and I had decided to leave it in God's hands. If she passed, then God knew what He was doing. We were pretty sure she wouldn't pass, but the finality of her not passing is kinda like a smack in the face. Frankly, this whole day was like a smack in the face. It's hard watching someone you love deteriorate, and there's nothing you can do about it. Yes, I know we can pray, and we do. But a Dementia/Alzheimer's diagnosis doesn't usually get healed, it just gets prolonged. Grant it, God can do a miracle, but for some reason I don't see Him doing that here.
I'm just rambling here now because I don't know what else to do. She thought the year was 2013. That's three years away! That was one of the questions on the neurologist test. What's the year?
I wish I didn't have to take her to the doctor. I wish someone else would. Isn't that selfish? She sacrificed so much for me over the years, I should want to take her. And I do, but I also don't because it just a constant reminder that she's not getting better, and it just hurts. It hurts so bad! I want her to know all my kids name's without having to stop, stare, and think what their names are. I want her to be able to drive and come see us at our house. I want her to be the Grandma that I know she would be if this STUPID disease didn't start taking over her mind. I know that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle, but sometimes, it feels like He really pushes the limits. This is hard. That reminds me of a song.
You turn the key
Then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light
But there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good
You start to cry'Cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray
But there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give you His mercy and grace
Jesus never said It was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He'll walk beside you
On this journey home and He knows
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Yes, life is hard, but God is good.
Yes, Life is hard, but God is good. I need to thank Him every day for my mom. He gave me a mother that loved me even though I was filled with imperfections. I was a pain in the rear most days as a child (and now), but she loved me unconditionaly. She was my best friend through most of my life. She gave up so much for me. She was a great example of a Mother's love to me. I'm not even half the mother that she was/is.
